You mean I am not Super Woman?!

I am going to try and stay as light hearted as possible...but I blog to be real, and sometimes I keep stuff from others and just put it on here, because I know no one I "know" really reads this...

I am not Super Woman. I am not invincible. Apparently, I also SUCK at hiding things from my husband. (which in this case is GOOD)

I had Tacari on May 3rd...the first weeks were a whirlwind. Everything was great...ooooh's and aaaaah's...people telling me how beautiful/handsome/great/ect that he is. (Which he is)

Past few weeks...have sucked...for me anyways. I didn't think it was what it is...because I love my son, I don't want to hurt him, I have no problem caring for him...ect.

But my attitude blows. I don't want to get out of bed. I can't sleep. I don't want to do a-ny-thing. I would be content staying in my bed in PJ's for days on end...

I cry at everything. I am holding back tears most of the day.

And I have NO idea why....

Yesterday morning, I snapped at the hubbs...Tacari was fussin and I was hoping that he would have gotten up with him, because I finally found a comfy spot in bed...I am sure he was planning on it, but it just wasn't fast enough for me. So I got up, shut the bathroom door a lil hard (that is the snapping part...the shutting of the door harder than usual...which goes to show you how happy and wonderful my marriage is) and peed...then I changed and fed T and put him back to bed...I got back in bed and he was like...what's your deal...and then the tears came...I tried to stifle them and whimpered "nothing"...and rolled over. (Mind you, this is all at like 345AM) I couldn't stop crying at that point...I realized the 'headache' I had been complaining about couldn't be my reasoning for being crabby anymore...

I went into the nursery and was crying uncontrollably on the rocker...Will came in and asked what was wrong again...

Post-Partum Depression. I didn't want to admit it. I feel ashamed, I wanted this baby SO SO SO bad, and it seems like I shouldn't feel this way because I got what I wanted. I should be happy, over the moon, grateful...and I am...but...at the same time...

It sucks. I am not the same me. I WANT to be the same me. I want to be happy and enjoy things and not take every little thing so personally...I want to sleep...I want to be me again.

I am calling my doctor tomorrow to schedule an appointment to get a referral to go somewhere...to talk to someone...to fix this.

I thought I was invincible...I thought it was normal...but I started to back slide. I don't drink anymore...and if I do...it is ONE...the other weekend, I had 3...cuz I wanted to sleep...uh...yeah. Red Flag!!! It was only one time...and Will pointed it out to me...I didn't even think anything wrong of it...but being a recovering alcoholic..its a big deal.

It sucks ass. It does. I just want to cry...and to be held...and to not feel so sad...

It's not that I want to hurt myself, or anyone else for that matter, I just want to be...I don't want to be alone...but I do want to be alone...it makes NO sense to me...at all. I wish I could explain it...I do.

I know this post makes no sense...but I had to try to get it out there...

They do always say "it happens to the best of us" right? :)

xoxox,
Nikki