Me and the gym are pals....

Really....we are. I swear. Like...my bestie...

I think if I keep telling myself this I will one day believe it...its my new...I guess mantra.

I wasn't gonna go...after not going all last week because of feeling like poo...I was gonna cash out again and say eff this! I didn't, I went, even though I didn't want too. I even stayed when I had to wait like 10 mins for a cardio machine...instead of leaving...or...gasp! going to the Soldier's gym...I hung out...and waited...

I am glad I did. I did a 30 min weight loss program on the elliptical....and then some light arm weights. I def. am glad I am doing this challenge by workouts and NOT miles...cuz I am dead after 30-45 mins and I have only managed to max out a lil over 2.5 mins in that time frame...which...is no bueno with some of you avid walkers/joggers/runners/ppl who like that kinda torture....

I e-mailed my bariatric nurse lady to schedule me for a fill...I am just eating way to often...that, and I need to have my 6 months post-op blood work done. So I go in for blood work this week and hopefully I go in for a fill on Tuesday...which would be ideal. I am having my teeth taken out next Friday...so I think after my fill on Tuesday (if thats when it gets scheduled for) I will just keep up with the full liquid/soft diet thru to surgery and then stick to that for about 2 weeks after...me and protein shakes are gonna be besties too! (yuck!) Give my mouth time to heal and then also give me time to reprogram myself....

I also e-mailed Ben. I admitted to him that this whole thing was easier before surgery because I was seeing him every 2 weeks and I had to be accountable for everything...like because someone else was going to see my logs...besides me...I told him I don't want my hand held...I think I just need to have my ass kicked back into gear...I told him my plan for my 2 weeks of full liquid after my wisdom teeth removal...and that I kinda wanna start all over again...because in the beginning I was playing around with seeing what I can and cannot eat and I think that is where I effed myself up! I found out the things that I can eat and I started eating more and more crap...which, well...I am only down to 233. I have managed to only lose about 20 pounds since surgery, which was 6 months ago...when I was on my A-game before surgery I managed to lose 18 in 4 months...on just food options...cuz I did not exercise...I didn't...I will admit that.

I wanna see the 220's...then the 210's....then the 200's....then finally that lovely 199....I cannot remember the last time I saw that number...atleast 8-10 years...

I have been in a bit of a funk...last week I tried to make dinner ( I am def. not the cook in this family...trust me) and it wasn't that good...I tried something new and I did not succeed. We were joking around after dinner saying that it sucked...it did...and I have no problem admitting that. I then said that during the 10 months that hubby was gone things were planned...or it was a veggie burger or something...Kiddo then decided to agree and say that our meals while he was gone sucked....I cried. I did..

Bad.

I can't seem to shake that...like, the whole year he was gone I failed. I am a woman. I should know how to do this for my family. I am not working any more. I stay at home...I should be that cooking, cleaning, have dinner on the table by 5:35 every night and kids in bed by 8 and....shit, it just doesn't work like that...and I feel like a failure for it.

BLLLAAAAHHHH!

Time for dinner...hubby cooked...again...

xoxox,
Nikki