So sometimes this blogger place comes up with some off the wall words to put as their captcha things. (the words you have to type in order to post a comment)
As I was making a comment on Jenn's Vlog bout her sexy new hair and her Dr's idea of a goal size...I couldn't help thinking to myself..."there is NO WAY IN HELL my fat ass would ever ever ever fit into a size 8. Lucky woman!"
Then I got my captcha word....
Revel.
According to the lovely world of Merriam Webster, Revel means: to take intense pleasure or satisfaction.
And it made me question what I had said to myself a few moments earlier...about the size 8 and my fat ass...
Why didn't I sit there and realize at the moment before, when I had the green eyed monster lurking around my bedroom, that these women...these blogging buddies, followers and friend of mine...all were at where I am now. They too were once fat asses. We all kinda have to start out as fat asses to get the surgery. Why didn't I 'take intense pleasure or satisfaction' in the fact that I CAN BE A SIZE 8...eventually. With enough work, dedication, and with the help of a lil band (who I will name Lola) I CAN.
I think I have gotten way to used to the self negativity and down-talk for so many years...I wonder now if it was ever other people making me feel worthless or if it was always myself trying to uphold myself to some totally completely unreasonable standard that I knew I wouldn't try to reach and made myself so miserable.
I mean now, in my life, I am not so miserable. I am totally completely head over heels, falling and stumbling to the ground because of that stupid broom that he used to sweep me off my feet-in love with my husband. I finished my Bachelor's degree, I have a great lil one, I have an opportunity to get a procedure done that WILL change my life and WILL save my life...
But I wonder...if I let the little seed of doubt that was planted so long ago by someone else...be watered by myself, to be tended to, and grow by my own hand, and not so much the others that I place the blame on. I am sure to some extent I did...
WELL...that is enough of the deepness for now...and WOW...all that out of a captcha word...
The things that happen when we least expect it...
Off to talk to my love. He is on lunch :)
xoxox,
Nikki
You can do it!
ReplyDeleteI too NEVER thought size 8. Heck, I was a 12/14 all through high school and very fit. I am now in a 8/10 and smaller than I ever remember being.
Your comments struck a chord with me. I too am waiting for surgery and I too have 'talked' myself into being fat.
ReplyDeleteI was only saying to my mum yesterday that I have been fat all my life. She replied (and it's true) no you weren't you just had very small friends. One of whom's mum used to tell me how chubby I was - it became a self fulfilling prophecy!
This was one in a long line of things that made me believe I wasn't attractive enough, skinny enough etc.
Looking back at the photo's - boy! What I wouldn't do to look like that again!!!
Hang in there - size 8 is waiting for you :-)
This post really hit home for me because it is exactly how I feel. I've spent most my life as being the fat friend in the midst of a bungh of skinny girls...and I never have been able to imagine myself being the skinny one, until recently. My reasons for being fat have a lot to do with esteem issues from when I was a child, and I allowed myself to cloak myself in this shell of fatness as a means to protect myself. Now that I am mentally at a different point in my life, I need to come out of this shell.
ReplyDeleteWhen i was in Hawaii back in May, I came across a BRAND NEW silk Ann Taylor skirt at a local thrift store. It was a size 8 and just adorable. I said to myself there is no way I would ever fit into a size THAT SMALL, yet I bought it anyways thinking I could give it to a friend.
That bay boy is still in my closet at hopefully one day I will be able to share a photo of me wearing it with all of you.
What base are you on? I'm guessing either Kaneohe or Schofield Barracks, since you mentioned an hours drive into Honolulu. I lived at Schofield for 3 years when I was a kid (back in the late 70's)and my husband and I go to Oahu every other year on vacation.
How long have you been there and do you have island fever yet? :)
Anyway, thanks for the great read this morning. You've inspired me!
What an on time blog. I have been my own worst enemy for so long. No one else in my life talks negatively about my weight except for me. I need to change that. Thanks for such an honest thoughtful post.
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